Losing to Win: How I Found Myself in the Fall

"From Rock Bottom to Rising: Finding Peace and Joy in the Midst of Loss"

I stand in the middle of my house—empty now, yet somehow heavy with all the feelings I don’t have words for. My chest tightens as I glance around, knowing this will be the last time I stand in this space. My home no longer feels like mine. I walk out with tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat, stepping into a future I can’t see clearly. Driving away, the emotions hit like waves. The shame of losing my home, my storefront, and everything in between feels like a bad reality show with no commercial breaks.

At 38 years old, moving in with friends wasn’t just humbling—it was humiliating. I’d replay the same question in my head like a scratched record: How did I end up here? My therapist’s words about this being the perfect place for me to rebuild felt like a cruel joke. I couldn’t see anything but darkness.

I cried silently while others slept. I cried in the shower because it felt safer somehow. I was too embarrassed to call home, so I suffered alone. But then, one night while scrolling, I came across an app for a virtual sister circle. I clicked on it, desperate for something—anything—and it changed everything.

Cleaning the Wound

Healing is not cute or soft. It’s ugly, like cleaning a deep cut that makes you gag but you can’t leave alone, or it’ll get worse. That’s where I was. Every session in the sister circle felt like scrubbing the wound, pulling out the infection of self-doubt, shame, and fear.

I started rewatching Eat, Pray, Love daily, like my life depended on it. Watching Julia Roberts cry and stumble through her pain gave me permission to sit in mine. The more I leaned into the sister circle, the more I began to heal. But healing didn’t mean it hurt less. It just meant I was finally dealing with the pain instead of running from it.

Making Space

As Thanksgiving 2024 approached, I met a woman who handed me The Garden Within by Dr. Anita Phillips. It felt like fate. Her words unlocked something inside me—a forgotten part of myself that had been buried under layers of survival.

For the first time, I started loving myself, not by treating myself to a latte or a new outfit, but by making space for me. I had been so good at giving others space—my family, my friends, my work—but I had starved myself of the same grace. Taking up space felt awkward at first, like wearing shoes a size too big, but it was necessary.

Slowly, my world shifted. Colors came back into focus. My inner child peeked out, cautiously at first, and then ran free. Joy started showing up in my mornings, and peace came to stay in my evenings.

The Priceless Joy

Here’s the thing: life didn’t suddenly become perfect. My bank account didn’t magically fill up. My problems didn’t disappear. But I found something far more valuable—peace. That peace, combined with joy, is what I had been searching for all along.

For years, I thought money would buy happiness. I chased success like it was a golden ticket to feeling worthy. But what I’ve learned in these last few months is this: happiness is an inside job. It’s the affirmations I speak over myself, the quiet moments I spend being still, and the space I’ve claimed for myself.

As I sit here now, reflecting on the twists and turns of this journey, I feel something I haven’t felt in years—gratitude. Losing my home, my business, and even my pride felt like the end of me. But it wasn’t. It was just the beginning.

Because sometimes, losing is the only way to win. And let me tell you, this joy? This peace? It’s more than worth it. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed.

So now, I leave you with this: what’s one thing you’re holding onto that might be keeping you from the peace you deserve? Are you ready to let it go to make space for something greater?